Brain Dump While I Pump

It’s been a while, eh? I have so much knocking around in my head that I need to vent. Let me just do a little list so I can refer back to it when I ramble off on some tangent.

• Milk Supply
• Yoga
• Baby Blues
• Stomach & Boob Woes

OK, let’s start with milk supply. I’ve been wondering if my supply has been faltering a little because Bode has been waking up more during the night. By more I mean, it seems like more because once he slept through the night…actually twice. And for a while he was kind of waking up once in the middle of the night and then again right around the time we get up for the day. Last night I fed him at 1am (when I went to bed,) he woke up at 2am, then again around 4:45am and again around 8am. He fell back asleep without much fuss on his own at 8am because I just stayed in bed. Then I got him up for the day around 9am. I also think some of the depression funk I’ve been feeling might be related to the milk supply changing since I had the weaning blues big time with Dagny. I also think going to yoga is affecting supply because sometimes I miss a feeding from being gone for several hours at a clip, but I don’t always make it up by pumping. Have I mentioned how much I hate pumping? I HATE IT.

So yeah, I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a few days and I’ve been totally clueless as to why. I’m a pretty self-aware little cookie and usually I know exactly what’s bothering me. I was thinking maybe I was finally getting my period again but there are no other signs and I really hope I’m not getting it because it’s one of the few rewards of breastfeeding dammit. Anyway, the last time felt like this was when I weaned Dagny and finally went cold turkey on everything. Hopefully my supply isn’t totally shot. I don’t think it is, but this is probably a wake up call to be more diligent about pumping if I’m going to be regularly missing feedings, which I will. Or I guess I could just try to get past the guilt of switching to formula earlier than planned. WAY earlier than planned. I wanted to make it to at least 6 months, we’re currently at 3 months.

Oh and yoga. Now that we’re living way out in New Ken, my drive to yoga is now a commute. It’s actually not really that much more driving time but I don’t like to cut things too close. I hate coming in late and I was late tonight by about 10 minutes because I stopped at mumblemcdonaldsmumble on the way. So yeah, it’s about to get real. My current plan is twice a week, attending 2 sessions back to back on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’d really like to get 3 days a week in so I might go to one of the weekend sessions but that’s a big might. There’s also a session on Monday mornings that I really want to attend but the 7am start time would be a huge challenge. So tonight there was a beautiful young woman in there with the kind of body I could only dream of having. During some demos of different poses and adjustments her tummy and the tummy of our instructor was exposed ever so slightly. But it was enough to see that neither of them have any indication of having carried a baby to term. Now that doesn’t mean they haven’t, because I know some women’s tummies survive pregnancy unscathed. But it made me really sad and self conscious. When I gaze upon a beautiful tummy, and then see mine shortly thereafter it seems so much uglier than when I haven’t seen a smooth skinned tummy in a while. And for a moment I let myself mourn the passing of my formerly beautiful tummy and then I kick myself for having taken it for granted for so long. Then I tell myself to shut up and suck it up.

Which leads me to my next point. Plastic surgery. I’m not going to lie. I’m vain. Vain enough to seriously consider and most likely someday endure a procedure. I watched a lot of video diaries on YouTube of women who went through tummy tucks. It became very clear to me that I could have a completely tight, stretch-mark free tummy with a full tuck. However, then I would have a huge scar around the front of my waist. I saw several scars on YouTube and honestly I find them very creepy. I seriously think of Frankenstein. On top of that, when I asked myself if I really wanted to take away the evidence of my pregnancies, I felt a bit sad. Even though I think my tummy is kind of ugly now, I don’t really want to get rid of it like that. I feel like it’s a part of my children. Something that connects me to them. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m not sure whether I will ever be able to go through with a tummy tuck for that reason. And there’s the whole Frankenstein thing too. My boobs on the other hand, do not hold the same sense of sentimentality for some reason. I personally find it odd that I am sentimental about my tummy but not my boobs what with the breastfeeding and supposed closeness that it creates between mom and baby. Breastfeeding is more than anything else, stressful for me. I don’t feel any closer while nursing than I do when my sleeping babies let out a little sigh of contentment all nestled up in my neck. I felt sad when I weaned Dagny but I think a lot of it was hormones and just the general sadness all of us parents feel about our kiddos growing up. So when I look at my busted up boobs, it’s really easy to imagine myself getting them “freshened up.” They have massive deep stretch marks underneath and they resemble pancakes more than citrus fruits these days. I am talking about stretch marks that actually give me the willies. Like the thin skin could break open at any moment. There’s also the fact that they hang even lower now that a second child is using them for their God-given purpose. I believe a breast lift would remove a lot of the stretch marks and give me back some of my long lost perk. I have no designs on getting them enlarged. In fact, I can’t wait until they shrink back down after I wean Bodacious. They get in the way, they giggle around when move too fast, they cause cleavage no matter how conservative the neckline. And I feel like I look thinner when my boobs are their normal size. I have no problem with their diminutive nature, I just want the perk back. It remains to be seen whether I can overcome my fear of general anesthesia to get it. Not to mention convince my James that it’s worth the money, when he (God bless him) is totally content with my body the way it is. I honestly wish I was as happy with my body as he is.

Also, this is totally unrelated but I wanted to document that tonight was witness to the sweetest mom moment I’ve had in a long time. I came home from being gone for a good 4 hours between the commuting and yoga. Before I even left, Dagny was being pretty clingy. I told her when she gets bigger I will take her with me to yoga if she can be good. Then I got ready and came to give her a last hug goodbye and she kept saying “with me” because she wanted to go with me. It just tugged at my heartstrings like you wouldn’t believe. I really do hope someday she will want to go with me and that she will love it as much as I do. Then when I came home she ran over to me and said “mama hold joo” and just kept saying it whenever I tried to put her down. She almost had a meltdown when I had to trade off with James so I could feed Bode. She just clung to me and didn’t want to be without me. I loved every second of it! It’s so rare that Dagny wants to snuggle with me. Even when we do goodnights, she will randomly kiss me on whatever part of my face is closest to her mouth without even looking but she will put her hands on the sides of James’s head and pepper his lips with several baby kisses. It’s terribly sweet but her affections are more often bestowed upon Dada. We also do a “Dagny sandwich” before bed now where we hug and she gets squeezed between us. After that she likes to put one hand behind each of our heads and push them together so James and me kiss on the mouth. It’s hilarious and we always crack up. I’m determined to catch in on video soon! Finally we give her a kiss sandwich where we each kiss one side of her face at the same time and gently smoosh her head between the kisses. And then it’s goodnight, which I bid you now.

New AAP Carseat Recommendations

So on Monday the AAP released new recommendations for how to use your kids’ car seats. My gut reaction is that they’re a little over the top, especially the booster seat recommendations. I have a 12 year old sister-in-law and she is more young woman than child at this point, which as an aside scares the shit out of me. According to the new recommendations, she could still be riding in a booster seat. I can’t say for sure because I don’t know if she’s 4′-9″ yet. As someone who remembers that age very well, I can promise you there is no parallel universe or beyond in which anyone is convincing an angsty pre-teen to ride in a booster seat. Had my parents pulled that crap, I would have walked to school. Or ridden the bus. Yeah, I would have ridden one of those yellow school busses that don’t even have seatbelts. Actually I did ride one of those busses because simply riding in the car with my parents was unbearably embarrassing at that age. I can tell you this, I wouldn’t have been caught dead in a booster seat at 12 years old.

However, the recommendations are based on scientific research and as such I will be following them as a parent, pre-teen angst be damned. I am firmly entrenched in the better-safe-than-sorry camp of parenting. Luckily I have almost a decade to figure out my plan of attack for the booster seat. Perhaps they will make them cool by the time my sweet little angels are ready to make my life a living hell.

On the other hand, we are balls deep in convertible carseats. Much as I have just whined about these new recommendations, Dagny is still rear-facing at 20 months because we’re overachievers over here in The Gay Family. I plan to keep her rear facing until she refuses to ride that way because: 1) I can and 2) I would rather her break her legs than her head, neck, or spine. It’s just that simple. Head, neck, and spine injuries scare me a lot more than a leg injury. In the event of the unthinkable, I want her personality intact, even if her legs are not. Legs heal, brains don’t. I could go on and on. The problem here is this little blurb from the AAP, “or until they reach the maximum height and weight for their seat.” I take that to mean I could turn her around at 2 years old but if I wanted to be conservative she could sit rear-facing until she outgrows the seat limits, which by the way are 40 lbs and 4′-1″ tall or 16.75″ seated height. Dagny barely weighs 20 lbs right now. She is not outgrowing that thing for a looooooong time. I’m going to have to measure her seated height, but I’ll take a wild guess and say she won’t outgrow the rear-facing seated height limit any time soon either because it’s the same as the front-facing seat height limit for her car seat, which is designed for kids who weigh up to 70lbs.

It’s just really hard to swallow these recommendations when this is what my daughter looks like in her car seat:

Dagny in her carseat at 20 months old.

Granted, she has never once complained to me that she’s uncomfortable. She frequently falls asleep in her car seat so she’s definitely not in pain or anything. Sometimes I cross her legs in front of her, but she always puts them up the back of the seat like this. So I guess I can’t really justify to myself turning her around before she’s 2 anyway. But it’s going to be very hard to resist that urge once she does hit that golden age. Especially if she asks me to. For now, I don’t think she even realizes there’s an alternative. Unfortunately, Bode will know when his turn comes around.

I Am a Wimp! A Psychotic Wimp.

First, I want to mention that the reason I missed last week’s post, and the reason I’m late posting this week is that the keyboard on my computer shat the bed. Well, the “a” key did and I wasn’t inclined to write an entire post using the on-screen keyboard every time I needed to type an “a.” Or type an entire post on my phone. Yikes.

Second, I’ve been hoping to start doing a regular Shrinky Dink post every Friday. Obviously I missed last Friday but I do plan to post one this week, just a little late. It will have photos from last week and this week. I’m hoping to post that sometime tomorrow.

Anyway, the big thing on my mind is this. James is flying out to Colorado for business stuff on Sunday afternoon. I am scared to pieces about being left alone for 4 days. OK, OK…before my beloved military moms die laughing…I know it’s somewhat ridiculous. While I whine about my measly 4 days of single-parenthood, my cousin-in-law is taking care of her 20 month old twin boys while her Marine husband is in Afghanistan for months. God bless her! There is also my sister-in-law, who has taken her son to my mom’s house for a 9 month Army deployment and she is facing another many months without my brother starting in May. A Marine-Mom friend on Facebook is also gearing up for a deployment of several months. She has a toddler, a preschooler and two older sons. She frequently doesn’t see her husband for days and weeks on account of training exercises. I realize I’m being somewhat of a baby here, but I am pretty nervous. However, these women inspire me and I am at least in part, curious to see what it’s like on my own for a few days.

The thing that scares me most is my own imagination. Last time I had a baby, I developed some pretty intense anxiety and paranoia in the post-post-partum stage. Like well after the 6 weeks passed, I developed this problem. In particular, I had this nagging, shall we say,”vision” that I could not shake. My current take on it is that it was an image that my brain conjured up to represent all my fears and anxiety. One night I was laying in bed just on the cusp of sleep when this image popped into my head in awful vividness just after I had the thought, “There’s no use being afraid when I don’t even know what I’m afraid of.” The best way I can describe it is a cross between the scary guy by the dumpster in Mulholland Drive and the way Dr. Crane sees Batman after he’s been sprayed with his toxin in Batman Begins. If those 2 images spawned a lovechild, it would be this vision I had. Except my vision had pointy teeth and long sharp fingernails. And snake-like tendrils for hair. So the first time it came to me, it was standing outside of our guest bedroom window. Other times it came to me that it was standing in Dagny’s closet while I was nursing her in the middle of the night. Sometimes it was outside the window that I sat beside in the rocking chair when nursing her. Other times it was standing right next to me while I stood by her crib trying to shush her to sleep in the middle of the night. I took to actively envisioning myself protected from the monster by a force-field of fire. I spoke to it in my mind, telling it that I would kill it if it harmed Dagny. I envisioned the fire force-field engulfing it in flames and killing it. The monster stayed with me for a long time. It was with me still after we moved to Pittsburgh. It was with me in the room a couple nights as I tried to shush Dagny to sleep at my in-laws. And one of those nights a thought crept into my head. What if it was some terrible guardian of my daughter? What if it protected her? I asked it to protect her. Now I can’t even fully conjure its image in my mind. There were other things too…we lived next to a cemetery back then and I used to have visions of spirits coming from the graves to steal my daughter’s precious new body. I ran through scenarios of what I would do to protect Dagny in the event of a zombie apocalypse, an alien invasion and so on. I was tormented. It was awful.

I have a deep, deep fear of that happening again. I’m not quite at the number of weeks postpartum that this happened to me last time but I am deeply afraid of the paranoia that I am convinced will envelope me in the dark of night while James is away. I’m afraid of the gripping terror that I might feel while I listen to the creeks of this old house at night. Even with him here I sometimes think I hear someone walking around downstairs. And James himself has gone down to look around on several occasions to satisfy his own doubts about the sounds of a century-old house settling in the cool of night.

I feel stronger than I did last time. I don’t know why. It is a small comfort to me. And I have lots of support here from James’s family. But I’m too embarrassed and frankly, realistic to ask anyone to spend the night here. I may change my tune after a day or two alone…but for now, I am going to brave the dark alone and see what happens.

Hopefully God sends me an Angel for the duration...

Update

Well, I’m late on my post and I have no idea what to write. I wanted to make a post that wasn’t baby-related but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I do have a birth experience post that I’m writing up but it still needs a lot of work. So I’ll save that for an undefined future date. I guess I’ll just write a rambling update of what’s going on.

As most everyone should have figured out. I had that darned baby finally! Bode James arrived on January 7th at 6:52pm. He was huge. 9 lbs, 1 oz and 21 1/4″ long. It’s been 2 weeks now. I am still finding everything to be very surreal. I don’t see any resemblance to either myself or James so in a lot of ways it feels like he’s not really mine. Which is not to say that I don’t love him through and through. And which is not to say that I don’t think he is one of the most beautiful babies I’ve ever seen. It’s just weird still.

In case you missed it on Facebook or Twitter, the name is pronounced “Bo-Dee” same as the U.S. Olympic skier Bode Miller.

Dagny is doing really well so far, but I can tell having Bode around is starting to stress her a little bit. She has started whining and fake crying a LOT. She gets upset at the smallest things. She asks to be picked up constantly…especially during Bode’s diaper changes and while we’re preparing food. She has done a wonderful job of dealing with feedings so far other than the occasional running off laughing with my burp cloth. She has also shown incredible tenderness and concern for Bode, as well as a general fascination with him. I love her so much and it makes me so proud to see her act this way. It’s also a relief to see her interested in a positive way, because I am terrified that she will reject him and be upset with us for bringing him home.

James seems to be doing just fine with the transition and I am, to gravely understate it, overwhelmed. On the one hand it’s good because all I can really focus on is whatever task is at hand. On the other hand, exhaustion is creeping up on me and the adrenaline rush I remember from the early weeks with Dagny has not manifested itself this time around. Nonetheless things are going well. Today was my first day without help. My mom flew back to Florida yesterday. It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined…but staring down a long line of days without help is, how shall I put it? Freaking me out.

It will all come together I’m sure, but for now I’m still a deer in some big-ass headlights. I am thankful for the weekend to have arrived without incident. We’re going to go check out some fancy strollers tomorrow at Babyland in East Liberty. Hopefully a double stroller will help me get out of the house and run errands during the week. I’ve already decided to move grocery day to the weekend for now.

I finally feel like my body is reverting back a little bit, which is comforting. I still have some really weird stuff going on but it’s only been 2 weeks. The skin on my belly is still very tender to the touch. Like, it hurts to rub lotion on it. At the same time it almost feels numb around my navel area. I also discovered that not only did my stretch marks extend further UP, they also extended further down…right into my…business district. Now that I can see it again. It’s just a little, but unexpected nonetheless. One thing that is neat (I use that word loosely here) is that the way they grew from my old ones, the whole mess of them kind of makes a heart shape around my tummy. I almost like it. I’m actually kind of interested to see what it’s going to look like when everything settles back into place. I wonder if they can tattoo on stretched skin like that.

I’m also struggling with something my OB casually mentioned right before he took leave of the delivery room. Ever heard of a prolapsed uterus? Yeah…well apparently one of my internal organs…I’ll let you guess which one…is verrrrrry close to being partially external. What. The. Fork. I can’t even express to you how disconcerting this is. And even though he said it should “go back,” the internet doesn’t mention anything about this condition going back to normal. Can I just tell you that I’ve become very aware of doing my kegels these days. God, I hope it works.

Well anyway. So that’s the condensed version.

I tempted fate…and fate schooled me.

For Christmas I got Dagny a couple of things I knew with complete certainty that she would love. I also knew that they would require constant supervision or restraints during their use. Crayons and markers. Silly me…I decided to leave them out for her to use at her leisure. She did a freaking AWESOME job of using them only on paper at her table and generally being a very well-behaved little artist. Until tonight.

I told her, "go stand by the mess" and she ran right over, turned around, and gave me this sheepish look. How could I even be upset?

She pointed here and told me it was a rainbow. A monochromatic green rainbow, but my heart gets all mushy when she tells me she's drawn something specific. So far she's drawn a boat, a smiley and lots of rainbows in her short career.

Here she is telling us what color the mess is. Green.

And finally, she insisted on helping with the cleanup. Anything for more bubbles.

It was a good run…about 3 days…and I really can’t blame anyone but myself. No regrets here. I bought washable everything, and it wiped right off with Greased Lightning and a washcloth. However, I am now keeping the crayons and markers out of reach unless we’re having dedicated drawing time. Fool me once… … …shame on…you. Ya fool me…ya can’t get fooled again.

In the spirit of this post, I found out about a hilarious and awesome blog called Shit My Kids Ruined when my mother-in-law gave me their book for Christmas. I laughed so hard I cried for the better part of an hour reading through that book. How did I not know about it before!? Anyway…I’m telling you, so you don’t miss out on the laughs like I had been doing.

Grand Plans

Boy have I got some exciting news!!! A week or so ago I asked a bunch of you for positive energy on Facebook…and guess what! It worked! We are now under contract to buy a lovely house that we are pretty excited about. I suppose I sort of owe an update on the decision-making process…even though I don’t really want to go into it. Oh well, here goes.

We went round and round about what part of town to live in. We really wanted to do the whole downtown-ish urban thing, and that’s what we’d been fantasizing about since long before we even got here. We both had eyes for Highland Park and I still think that is an awesome part of town. We also love Regent Square and Squirrel Hill. However…the fantasy just wasn’t panning out the way we’d hoped. For one thing, the homes that were updated enough for us to consider were at the very high-end of our chosen price range in Highland Park and we couldn’t really make anything work in Regent Square or Squirrel Hill without significant compromise. In fact, after looking at many homes downtown, and in the Forest Hills/Churchill/Blackridge area, we lowered our price range because we just weren’t “wowed” by anything. And you kind of want to be wowed at the top of your price range. So we decided that if we were going to settle, we might as well be settling at a much lower price. That decision pretty much removed the lingering Highland Park from our consideration altogether.

So we focused on Forest Hills, Churchill and Blackridge for a while and when I finally realized that downtown was no longer an option in James’s mind, I had to hit the brakes. This all happened right about the time I wrote that last update on our decision-making process. I realized we just weren’t going to be able to make it work downtown and have the sort of urban/pedestrian/pseudo-European lifestyle that I had been dreaming of. Too many factors were stacked against us. I also realized that our effort to compromise a little by considering areas just east of downtown was a little misguided. It was an effort to hold onto the downtown dream, but in reality there was absolutely nothing downtown about it. We wouldn’t have had any of the benefits of living downtown…in my mind things like being able to walk or bike to the city’s gorgeous parks, my favorite grocery stores, and the abundant cultural venues. Oh yeah, and I’m probably supposed to mention the sports venues as well now that I’m Burgh Verified, right? Anyway…we weren’t going to really have that living in Forest Hills or further east. At that moment…the moment I realized that…I knew that if we were really going to do what was best for ourselves, we were going to have to give New Ken & Lower Burrell a second chance. So we did.

We found that we were able to stay at the low to middle end of our newly lowered price range and find homes that had been updated enough to satisfy us. Several homes. We also admitted to ourselves how important and beneficial it was for us to be near some family. Still, neither of us was (or is) thrilled about the current economics of the area. We are very fortunate to be a telecommuting family. James is blessed with the same employment situation he had in Denver, except…he does it from home now. In fact, we are ALL blessed with that and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I give thanks every. single. day. for it. One big reason we avoided NK/LB was in case James ever ended up needed to commute into downtown. We finally realized we probably didn’t need to arrange our lives around a “maybe.” NK/LB does have a few things going for it that were important for me…they have one of the nicest Giant Eagles I’ve seen since we came here. They also have THE nicest Target I’ve seen since we came here. And incidentally the ONLY Target I’ve seen that has a Starbucks inside it. I’m sure they have one down in the Robinson area too but that’s just way in the opposite direction of everything we came here for. There’s also Pittsburgh Mills…not the most awesome mall, but it will do until 2.0 has the fortitude for occasional day trips to Zombieville…which is currently my favorite mall in the area. Waterworks isn’t too far away either, as long as Rte 28 hasn’t imploded. So. There is plenty of support for my raging consumerist tendencies. Which would be much abated if there was a reasonable secondhand/thrift market around here. If there is one, for the love of God help me find it!

So anyway…point being…we were able to overlook the pretty significant detractors and see some positives. I’ll probably avoid driving through downtown NK at all costs to avoid sinking into a depressive funk. We have also found a house that seemed almost made for us. Almost. It has a perfect space for James’s office on the main level. It has just enough bedrooms and the walkout basement has lots of potential to be finished to our liking. It’s on a double lot…so there’s yard space for kids to play and for adults to barbecue & booze. Have I mentioned how badly I want a margarita lately? Wait, where was I? It has a garage for at least one of our cars. It’s in Mt. Vernon…which I personally believe is one of the most kid-friendly areas in NK and also just a cool neighborhood in general. People decorate for the holidays. They have a neighborhood association that coordinates an annual garage sale, a Halloween parade, and various other community events. Sidewalks throughout the entire neighborhood. The house backs up to a beautiful swath of trees. And it looks like a modern house inside. It’s been totally redone. Walls have been removed to make for a more open floor plan. Everything is new. Everything is bright. So we’ve managed to get a contract on this house we like. In New Ken. Literally around the corner from Mia, Grandpa & Aunt Kelly. Also much closer to James’s Aunts & Uncles & cousins on his mom’s side. Pretty much the whole family lives up that way, save for some very important people in Florida. And that brings me to my next point…

I’ve talked about lifestyle before and how we have some crazy ideas for what we want our life to be like. We know that there’s a lot we’ll have to come to terms with. I mean, I know we just aren’t going to be jet-setting around the globe, showing the kids the seven wonders of the world if we don’t win the lottery or somehow come into some money a la Scrooge McDuck. Currently we aren’t even buying lottery tickets…so I’m not totally delusional. However. One very important aspect of our life plan is to someday reasonably “soon” buy a second property in Florida, up the street from those very important people I mentioned earlier…or maybe on the beach 5 minutes away. At the very least, we are committed to dividing our time between PA and FL as soon as we can achieve it. We’ve done a lot of calculating. We believe it’s reasonable that we could achieve that in less than a decade based on our choice to buy a house at the low-end of our chosen price range. So that is the grand plan. It’s always been the grand plan, although lots of other things float around in there and get a lot more press, not the least of which is annual ski trips for maintaining Momma’s sanity and the undying dream of travelling the world with our kids. We’re going to have to scrimp and save and do the Spartan thing for a few more years. Of course here and there we’ll treat ourselves to some niceties. I know we both want to move beyond the college furniture we currently have and treat ourselves to a few upgrades. I know we both want to have a legitimate space to host guests. But overall, the goal is set and the wheels are in motion. We’ve committed to several more years of pragmatism and frugality so that we can get our hands on some priceless intangibles a bit faster. We think the kids will appreciate it someday. And we hope all of you VIF’s (very important Floridians) understand it too.

Project Shrinky Dink

OK, I think this is it. This is the post for today! I’ve been waffling all over the place. I haven’t been posting any extra posts during the week because I am exhausted. I’m ready for this baby. My range of motion is pretty limited some days and I’m at the point where I feel like an extra baby in the mix but getting my range of motion back would be better than trying to chase Dags around like this.

I’m going to tell you about this wacko idea for a project I have. Could it be considered an “art” project? I like to think so, but my engineer side is more excited just to show people some behind the scenes pregnancy schtuff. I only wish I had thought of this sooner so I could have a more comprehensive end product. OK OK…no more cryptic references…I just start babbling and…anyway.

My plan is to start (soon) taking hi-resolution full-body pictures every day from several angles. The idea is to show people how my body goes from being super-duper pregnant to “normal” and to chronicle all of the things I do along the way to help or hinder that process. Did I mention I want to do it nearly naked? Yeah. I know. CRAZY LADY IN THE HOUSE. I’d love to feel comfortable enough to do it totally naked but honestly I’m not. I am comfortable enough to do it in a bikini though. So I plan to take all these pictures in the same bikini…it’s turquoise and it’s probably too small right now, so, joy. Anyway, I think it would be so cool to be able to see how insanely a woman’s body changes through pregnancy and post-partum.

I also have pictures from my 2nd & 3rd trimester that I plan to turn into a time-lapsed film as a separate project. I took those about 3 times a week and each time I took 4 pictures in 4 different positions. I also have my weekly pictures from my first pregnancy. Hopefully I can somehow combine all of this into an interesting video someday. Maybe it will help lower teen pregnancy rates, I don’t know. Maybe it will help other moms feel comfortable with their “battle scars.” Maybe it will make some moms want to punch me. Whatever, I’m cool with that, but as T.I. says, “A [momma] put ['er] hands on me, alright. Otherwise stand there and talk shit all night.” Whoa, where did that come from?!

So yeah…crazy project idea. One of my reasons for starting this blog was to force some accountability on myself for all the crazy schemes I say I’m gonna do. Hopefully making it public like this will create a better product because I know y’all will be waiting to see what comes of it. I expect (hope, desperately hope) that I will be able to finish it by the end of the summer. Some teaser pics…

 

21 Weeks Pregnant With 2.0

21 Weeks Pregnant with Dagny

Wowsers. Could the difference in my attitude be more profound?! Clearly I am over it this time around. Last time I was all excited…and naive. I put makeup on for every belly pic because I was uploading them for all the family to see since we were out in Denver with no family nearby. And because it was my first pregnancy and it was fascinating. Nowadays, I’m like…how much worse can these stretch marks get in 3 weeks? As mentioned before I’m also a lot more tired here at the end this time around. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m not sleeping as well or something. Although…begin side note…James has been telling me about how I’m snoring like crazy lately. So far I haven’t woken him out of a deep sleep but he finds it hilarious. I was like, “No way, record it on your phone next time.” So he did. He played it for me yesterday while we were all eating lunch. I was like, “What is that?” to which he chuckled, “That’s you snoring this morning.” Wowsers. I hope it’s just a pregnancy thing but both my parents are champion snorers so I’m more than a little concerned. ANYWAY…I took one single set of exposed belly shots this time around specifically to compare to last time and try to see if I really am bigger like I think I am. It’s hard to say from these photos. And it doesn’t help that I look like the living dead in one and all perky and annoying in the other one.

30 Weeks Pregnant with 2.0...Son of a coconut, I look miserable!

31 Weeks Pregnant with Dagny

I think it’s safe to say I’ll be wearing makeup from now on for Project Shrinky Dink.

Quick Update

Well, G-mum is in town and sleeping in the room with the computer I normally type my blog posts on. I’m typing this on my phone so it’s gonna be short. And pictureless.

Tonight I read something that put my blessings into perspective. I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself with the aches and pains of late. It’s easy to forget that some people would give anything to have them. I try not to publicly complain for that very reason, plus nobody likes a habitual whiner. I’m going to try harder.

4.5 weeks until my due date and we’ve finally narrowed the names down to 2 choices, Bode (like the skier) and Jasper (like the vampire.) It’s sad but it’s true…I never would have considered that name before the ridiculousness that is Twilight. Most likely Phoenix for a middle name.

I am now on weekly visits and I’ll be full term next Saturday, the 18th. Due date is Jan 8th still. On Monday the doctor had the audacity to tell me my stomach was “on the small side.” He wasn’t my regular dude, but I’m trying to meet them all before the big day. He estimated baby bro will be between 7-8lbs when he comes out.

Ok I’m sick of typing on the phone…I’ll have some better stuff in the coming days. Meanwhile I uploaded a couple vids to YouTube…check it out: http://YouTube.com/virtualcarly.

Random Thoughts

I’m not going to lie, I feel like crap. There are a few things I’ll take the opportunity to get off my chest while I’m in this lovely mood. First, my bathtub sucks. Second, I have more thoughts on the urban vs. suburban dilemma we’re debating. Third, an ode to my sinuses.

So the bathtub. Here’s the deal. We have the hot water heater cranked up really high, which I know is not a good idea with a kiddo around. (I promise I will go down and turn it down right after I publish this, I swear) However somehow the shower has some weird ability to maintain the temperature just under the perfect hotness no matter how far you turn the knob up. For example, when James fills the tub for bathtime with Dags he turns the knob ALL the way up and they both sit in the tub as it fills with not-quite-hot-enough water. Now, I could do the same thing with the sink sitting right next to the tub and melt the skin right off my hand. It boggles the mind and frustrates my tired-of-being-pregnant body. We can’t figure out what’s up with it. And I need a good hot soak with one of my fancy fizzy balls from Lush Boulder.

Evolving thoughts on the pros and cons of suburbia vs. urbia are as follows. I’ve come to the conclusion that unless we live IN downtown…like right in there, we are not really reaping any benefits of “urban” living. For me benefits are being able to walk to nice parks like Highland, Schenley and Frick Parks, being able to walk to grocery and conveniences, and being able to walk to dining and entertainment venues. As in, being able to live comfortably without a car. My current thoughts are that if we aren’t going to live right there in downtown, then it makes sense to move all the way out near family, where there are people who don’t mind watching Dagny on occasion for the low low cost of free. And who Dagny ADORES. I feel like anything in-between and we lose the benefits of both options. James currently disagrees, wants to move to the Highlands Ranch of Pittsburgh, and we’re working towards a compromise.

Wah wah wah, my sinuses. I’m sure everyone goes through this too, but I feel like I’m the only one. Every single time I get whatever pestilence is being passed around at the time, it goes straight to my sinuses. They instantly swell up and I can’t even blow my nose. Then the inevitable infection takes hold and within a day or so my face hurts so bad I just want to just smash everything. Or curl up in a ball and lose consciousness. Then I drag my miserable butt to a doctor and its a crapshoot whether they offer me antibiotics or tell me to use OTC stuff. So a lot of the time I just head to the store and buy up half of the cold medicine. The thing is, when you’re pregnant or breastfeeding you can’t really do that. You’re very limited in what pharmaceuticals you can make use of. So the last few times I’ve been nailed by the sick-of-the-week, its been really sucky. Anyway, I’ve been battling it this week and it doesn’t help that I’m sick of hauling around my pregnant self to begin with. I also developed some varicosities this week and now my legs hurt like hell. Let me tell you what a ball of fun I have been for the past few days. My poor husband and daughter. All I want is a nice long hot soak in the tub and to feel better tomorrow. But if I do that I’ll use up all the hot water for the shower we normally take before bed. ARGH!

Also, unrelated…I can’t get the computer to see my E-Book, which is where all the cute photos of Dagny are. So you get this instead! Ha!

To Snip or Not To Snip

Boy that title really makes a gruesome procedure sound cutesy, doesn’t it? Well, its gruesome to me anyway to think of my brand new baby getting a portion of his penis cut off, hopefully right after having his penis punctured by a needle to numb it. Circumcision. I’m guessing it wasn’t such a big decision to our parents back in the day. I’m guessing it was more just a matter of course 30 years ago. However. It’s definitely up for discussion at our house. Obviously this is a very personal decision, and no matter what we decide it will be out of love for our son and his wellbeing. But I need to air out my thoughts and see if that helps clarify any of this for me.

The United States is one of the only developed nations where circumcision is routinely practiced on male infants. About 75% of males born in the US are circumcised shortly thereafter. Compare that to the UK, where several years ago the government stopped covering the cost of elective infant circumcision. Now the majority of younger males in the UK are uncircumcised. The majority of English parents weren’t so compelled to circumcise their boys that they were willing to pay out-of-pocket for it. In fact, it seems the most compelling reason worldwide is based on a person’s religious affiliation.

Did you notice I said elective infant circumcision? I didn’t know this but all of the major medical establishments in the world agree that there is no medical reason for the procedure. It’s purely cultural. I know this is a stretch for a lot of people (myself included) but you know what else is purely cultural in some parts of the world? Female circumcision. Let that soak in for a minute. Some of the more liberal countries in Europe go so far as to make it illegal to perform without anesthesia and they require people who perform circumcisions to be certified by their government. So, to many people, this is a very big deal. And honestly, it’s a pretty big deal to me. We’re talking about my son here. My son’s manhood. His family jewels. This is not a decision I approach lightly.

Ironically I had totally forgotten that we have to decide whether to have him circumcised while he’s in the hospital. I was so relieved not to have to make that decision when it turned out Dagny was a female that I put it waaaay out of my mind. I really did not want to be responsible for such a huge decision. Cut to the present time. Darn it if we aren’t having a boy. I still did not have the whole circumcision thing on the brain. Not until a couple of weeks ago when it came up during our hospital tour. Now I can’t escape it! They have asked me at every prenatal appointment since then.

At first I was inclined to just let James make this decision. Then I started reading about it. Let me just say that I fully acknowledge that there are legitimate reasons to both have it done and not have it done. That is exactly why we still haven’t really put this decision to rest. Looking like your peers is a pretty big deal at many stages of the whole process of growing up. Never having dealt with whatever locker room drama guys have to endure, I am really leaning on James to help with this. But you know what I think? I think that if you are targeted by your peers as someone to ridicule, they will find stuff to ridicule you about. No matter how much you attempt to conform, they will (often irrationally) single out things about you and generally make your life miserable. So I’m inclined to rule that out as a decision-making factor in permanently removing my son’s foreskin.

Now I’d like to share some of the most compelling reasons for ME to just leave it be, as that is the way I’m currently leaning.

First and foremost, mother nature. The foreskin does not separate or retract from the glans until a boy is several years old. In some cases, it can stay fused to the glans up until puberty. So in order to perform the circumcision it must be forcibly separated so it can be cut off without damage to the glans. To me, that just doesn’t make sense.

Secondly, there is the issue of pain and pain management. The standard procedure is done before the baby is discharged from the hospital. Our hospital allows 48 hours of recovery time for an uncomplicated vaginal delivery. So that would mean at less than 2 days old our son would endure an incredibly painful procedure. Apparently there are very few physicians who use ALL of the pain management techniques combined to reduce discomfort as much as possible. And by all I mean using an EMLA cream to numb the skin before the injection of anesthetic. And then actually USING an anesthetic. There are several methods of injecting the anesthetic, but from what I can tell the most popular is called a dorsal block and requires only 1 injection at the base of the penis. Other methods involved a ring of several injections around the penis. Apparently the child is physically restrained during all of this as well. And that doesn’t even begin to address the pain that may or may not be felt during the cutting or the pain that is very likely felt as part of the recovery. Parents are not allowed to be present at our hospital, I asked. A lot of people don’t seem to think this whole pain thing is a big deal, but I do. Let’s just agree to disagree, OK?

Finally, this is permanent. It can be performed at a later date and often men are circumcised as adolescents or adults. It may be that’s what their faith prescribes, it may be that they converted to another faith. Knowing that, I have a really hard time with making this decision for my son. I will happily take him to have his foreskin removed if he expresses that wish to us as a child, adolescent or teen. Hell, if he comes to us as an adult and feels he was slighted, I will happily pay for it then too along with any therapy he thinks he needs as a result.  I feel uncomfortable altering his body without his being able to consent. It’s just a personal thing for me, purely between me and my son. I do not believe it is “wrong” for other parents to choose circumcision. Each family is different and this decision is so personal.

So with those things in mind, I am leaning towards not snipping, but a final decision hasn’t been made.

There are some positive reasons to have the procedure done as well, though they are not as compelling to me personally. A lot of people, both fathers and mothers, feel it is important for their son’s penis to look like his father’s penis. I can certainly understand and I respect this perspective. Similarly, many people feel that its important that their son “fit in” with the majority of other males in the United States. I’ve already covered that above. Having it done as an infant is arguably less expensive and less complicated than performing the procedure on an older boy, adolescent or adult male. And of course, many people see circumcision as part of a covenant with God and I don’t believe it’s my place to pass judgement on other people’s relationship with God.

There are also some myths about the usefulness of circumcision. Many people feel that removing the foreskin makes it easier to keep clean, but that fact is disputed by various research. It is also commonly believed that removing the foreskin reduces the likelihood of a male contracting certain viruses, such as HIV. A lot of research disputes that fact as well. Though it is supported by some research, many people believe that an uncircumcised penis is more sensitive and may allow for greater pleasure during intercourse. That may be true, however I’m still waiting for all the circumcised men to start complaining about how they don’t enjoy sex and it’s all their parents fault before I make my final decision on that one.