Here’s the deal. I have a lot of stuff floating in my head, mostly as responses to some blog posts I read recently that have made me examine my shortcomings a little more than I usually do. I promised myself that I wouldn’t self-censor on this blog but guess what? I totally do. Sometimes it’s just not worth the damage it would do to shoot off my mouth about all the annoying things people do. But these topics are on a whole new level of touchy and it’s really hard to publicly examine your shortcomings when they could be so grossly misunderstood. I’m trying to work up the courage to tackle a post on ageism (excuse the title of this post) and one on racism…maybe both in the same post, although my introspections are very different for each.
I can’t even tweet or post comments to blogs without second-guessing who I might be offending. It’s absolutely crazy that I can write posts like To Snip or Not To Snip and post half-naked pictures of my postnatal belly, but my fingers literally tremble before I hit send on certain tweets and comments. More often than not, I just delete them instead of hitting send.
I didn’t always feel like this. In fact, 10 years ago I was incredibly righteous and outspoken. Now, I’m timid and very choosy about most of what I write in a public forum. Part of it is that I am scared I might inadvertently alienate people that I care about. Because you never know what “skeletons” a person may have in their closet. In fact, I’m sure it would shock many of you to learn about some of my skeletons. Another part of me doesn’t want to have to keep track of all the political correctness that seems necessary these days. Many times I think of Dagny and how people might think less of her because of things I say and do. And yet another part of me wonders if I’ve finally just lived long enough to inflate my mother’s warnings about never putting things in writing because they will come back to haunt you. I mean to a degree she is right and it has saved my butt many times. But it’s so easy to let it hold me back and keep me from expressing my flawed, but valuable (I think) self. It’s that fine line that I tiptoe along with everything I do in social media.
I want to get over it. I want to have the confidence to take those leaps of faith that might connect me with other people and educate me where I am ignorant. Unfortunately even with the best of intentions, some topics are just too charged to deal with in any manner but the most scripted exchanges. I learned that the hard way in a couple of online classes I took in college. There’s always going to be someone who just doesn’t get it. And as much as I would like to connect and learn…I am afraid of the awful things people say when they get fired up. But not enough to give up on blogging altogether.
So this is your cue to pump me up and give me a little pep talk. Maybe then I can find enough courage to write about what’s really on my mind.